The Sex Issue

It is sort of a Lumberjack tradition to devote its Valentine's issue to sex, but you focused on health. So even as it grabbed readers, the issue focused on important topics. Unfortuntely even though it was filled with interesting stories and tight writing, it was also filled with typos and grammatical errors. I'd rather see copy that is dull and clean than interesting and a mess.

So here are some tips for the future:



Tighten good ledes to make them great.

Take:

On the quiet streets of Old Town Eureka, a buzz grows in the shops lining the streets. Despite the chilly weather, lights are a glow and cars fill every parking spot available.

Tighten:

On the quiet streets of Old Town Eureka, a buzz grows in the shops that line the streets. It is chilly out, but lights create a warm glow. Cars fill every parking spot.

Learn to use pronouns

These confusing words, who for some may seem like another language, were used by Senior Scientist Tony DeRose of Pixar…

Master the possessive

Reassuring the Manor residents that they are being taken into consideration and not forgotten, was Universities Project Manager Traci Furdolage….

“Its getting people that are interested and helping them (enjoy cycling.)

Learn to use commas

Feb. 6, marked the end of the afternoon hot meal service, which was offered for the past nine years at the Endeavor’s current location.
Bertonatti, grew up in Venezuela and moved to Miami at the age of 13.

So Kill the Clauses

Marla Joy, medical outreach coordinator for Six Rivers Planned Parenthood, says the increase in chlamydia, a symptomless infection that can lead to infertility in women, is “likely because of better screening.”

Chlamydia is a symptomless infection that can lead to infertility in women. Marla Joy, medical outreach coordinator for Six Rivers Planned Parenthood, says that doctors diagnose chlamydia more often now because of improved screening.
Out of the 20 STDs identified, chlamydia is the most frequently reported, with an estimated 3 million new cases each year in the United States.

Of 20 STDs, chlamydia is the one doctors report most often. They diagnose an estimated three million new cases each year in this country alone.

Split up multi-sentence quotes

In women, the bacteria initially infect the cervix and the urethra,” Joy said. “Women who have symptoms might have an abnormal vaginal discharge or a burning sensation when urinating when the infection spreads from the cervix to the fallopian tube.”

Go from passive to active

Passive:

These confusing words, who for some may seem like another language, were used by Senior Scientist Tony DeRose of Pixar…

Active:

Senior Scientist Tony DeRose of Pixar used those confusing words in his lecture “Math in the Movies.”

Passive:

Lolo Alto, who was taking notes for her daughter with an interest in computer graphics…

Active:

Lolo Alto took notes for her daughter, who is interested in computer graphics…

Passive

These volunteers are out at major Acata events recycling and picking up garbage.

Active

These volunteers recycle and pick up garbage at major Arcata events.

Use good quotes; Paraphrase lousy ones
Use:

“I can’t even put into words what I feel,” said O’Brion. “I can’t give families with children food. I have to look at those little faces and say I can’t feed you. It is heartbreaking.

“Chlamydia is like sneezing on someone sexually,” explains Joy.

Paraphrase:

“It's getting people that are interested and helping them enjoy cycling.”

“The team is really about camaraderie and meeting people,” he said. “I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes. “I’d like to help out any way I can.”

Transition between speakers

You need a transition anytime you switch from one speaker to another, and make sure you identify the person before you quote him. One way to do that without interrupting the flow of the story is to paraphrase the first part of a quote. That way you can wait to introduce the new speaker. The only reason you need immediate identification of a new speaker for a quote is so that the reader doesn't think the words come from the previous speaker or so that you don't have a diembodied voice.

Explore further interesting points.
In the story about basketball player Tiedeman story, you give us the data about his schooling but nothing about his experiences in high school He tells us he would get pushed around being a scrawny kid but you provide no anecdotes.

Show don’t tell

In the story on singer Bertonatti you tell us that he is a wonderful songwriter but you don't show us through his lyrics.

Read your story out loud to yourself

You will hear problems with your writing that your eyes can't spot.

Don't bury your lede

The lede in the story on masturbation was the anecdote in third paragraph.

Find the expert for every story.

The circus story needed an expert on the history of juggling.

Young Team Proves It Belongs

On the plus side...

Great cover. The writing was good, nice and tight. The sports section was terrific, three well-written stories packed with action. In news, the budget story was wordy but contained good, important information for your readers. And the beach break-in story was well-reported, well-written and a great scoop.

On the other hand...

From a design standpoint the issue disappointed.

There were too few photos to begin and the few photos on the pages focused on the wrong things.

The museum photos should have been bones closeups, not a wide angle of display cases.

The photos for the puppet story should depict puppets not a guy with a rubber nose.

The layout showed little creativity. Get edgy. Show some personality on your pages.

Like this....

Not this...

Too many grammatical and typographical mistakes and some of them were embarrassing.

Terrible headlines, all around.

Alliance for the CSU Fights Budgetary Defiance
Beach Break-ins: Has it happened to you?
Three Years makes it more than just another club
Attractions or distractions: New TVs appear in the J
Overtime takes its toll

You need to show, don't tell.

• In the World of Puppets: "The show lacked socks, but did involve a number of gadgets used for sound effects." Show the gadgets and describe the sounds. And describe the puppets.
  
• In Overtime takes its toll show sloppy play.
• In Jacks prove they belong on top show how the game started physical.
  

You need to focus on what the reader will care most about.

In the budget story, readers don't care about the Alliance for the CSU. They care about the students who might not get in. They care about declining quality of the eduction they pay more for each year. And when you hit on a focus, lead with it. In the museum story you started with bones, which was interesting, but then the story focused on generalities about volunteering, internships, and other blah blahs. Bones are fascinating and visual so stick with them. The rest can go into a fact box.


Get SERIOUS!


The world out there is going to hell. If you report only the fun and fluffy you will look out of touch and be irrelevant to your readers.




Avoid adverbs. You don't need them and they deflate a sentence.

...but after the television was introduced their popularity steadily declined.
They also get to work on highly individualized projects in their field of interest.

Avoid quoting Paul Mann unless the information he gives you is vital and there is no one else you can get it from.


Activate your passive verbs! Instead of:

The collection of current exhibits was built from other donations.

Flip it!

Other donations formed the current collection.

Instead of:

A win against the first place Tritons would have moved HSU into second place...

Change the verb:

The loss cost HSU a second place spot in the California Collegiate Athletic Association.

Make sure your nouns and pronouns agree.

The collection became so large that the couple housed them at them in their barn...

Split up long quotes around the attribution.

Instead of:

"I just want to tell everyone to be observant. It was an unfortunate experience but I learned from it and I hope others will learn from my loss as well. Leave your valuable things at home," said Weserman.

Try this:

"I just want to tell everyone to be observant," said Weserman. "It was an unfortunate experience but I learned from it and I hope others will learn from my loss as well. Leave your valuable things at home."