That week we broke 4,000 page views for the first time. On March 25, the day the CSU Cash Crash issue came out, we also topped 1,000 page views and we will likely top 4,000 page views again. How significant is this? It took us eight school months after relaunching the Web site in Jan. 07 to reach 3,000 page views: The Oct. 22 football issue. Five issues in '08 exceeded that weekly mark.
Students in class had both good and bad things to say...
Some noted that they liked the lead story, the lede on the lead story, the photo spread, the cover, and the story about online classes.
They said t
hat most of the other ledes were dull, the issue needed better headlines, the two sections of the photo spread needed clearer separation, the stories lacked info boxes or other graphic elements to break up gray copy, and in general, the layout was boxy.The cover looked great as did the rest of the issue. Terrific lead story. The other stories suffered from some technical writing problems, but considering you produced this issue right after spring break, this was a great effort.
On the whole the stories in this issue are readable but many needed one more draft because there are annoying problems that you should catch on a third draft.
1. What do you have against short?
Long ledes and sentences asphyxiate the reader. Long paragraphs send them to other stories that are easier to read. And if the sentences are long they are probably passive? Why? Because on second read you will find that you can cut in two or three long sentences written in active verbs.
Imagine yourself in a cold and quiet museum. You can't touch anything. You don't interaction with the artists or even other observers.
The story about the campus rally had a 34-word lede.
- The online courses story had a 35-word lede.
- The Arts Arcata story had a lede that was too long to count. This one was active. See how easy it is to break up:
Now imagine that that live musicians, artists, excited spectators surround you. You feel their energy. People offer you wine to sip and cheese to eat as you gaze at a bright, lively work of art. The artist greets you. That's Arts Arcata.
- The baseball club story had a 38-word lede. But it's easy to shorten on one more draft: Baseball at HSU may be just a club sport. But don't use the word "just" to Zachery Youngs. "We need to prove that we are good enough for the NCAA," said the second baseman and marine biology freshman.
Save those long ledes and paragraphs for the future stories you will write for New Yorker magazine.
2. Use active verbs.
The good news is that I find fewer cases of passive phrasing with each issue. But don't slip. Strong verbs separate great from mediocre writing.
Not: Humboldt State is missing opportunities to gain more African American faculty...
Instead: Humboldt State misses opportunities to recruit...
Not: The CSU budget is being cut by...
Instead: The state plans to cut $386 million from...
Not: Humboldt State has more interest now than ever in developing online classes.
Instead: Now more than ever, online classes could alleviate a number of problems Humboldt State faces: Budget cuts, overcrowded classes, and swollen enrollment. And though interactive technology makes online classes possible, the school only offers eight this semester.
Tip: To make a passive sentence active try flipping it. In passive sentences the
noun is tucked somewhere at the end. It needs to be in front of the verb. And there should be nothing separating the noun from the verb. In the sentence Humboldt State has more interest, for example the noun is Humboldt State, but the verb is to interest but the words has and more separate the two. Or the verb is to develop. If you flip that sentence the noun becomes online classes and the verb becomes could alleviate.3. Avoid acronyms not widely recognized.
The Tuition Relief Now story flowed well until I got to the jump on page 5 where the identification of Lladira Baez as a CSSA representative stopped me. I had to go back to page three to try to find the first reference. It wasn't there, but even if it were, you don't want the reader to have to go backwards in a story, ever. Instead of the acronym, on second reference give a shortened version of the full name that helps identify the organization. If the organization was the Sierra Club Legal Defense Fund on second reference you say the legal defense fund rather than SCLDF. If the organization is the Humboldt County Committee to Save Wild Ferrets, on second reference you use the wild ferret group rather than HCCSWF.
4. Don't balance your story as an afterthought.
In the Tuition Relief Now story, it is not until paragraph 17 that the reader finds out that some people oppose the proposal. That needs to be in the nut graph and it needs to be an important part of the story, rather than a toss in.
And remember that for every story, there are many sides to an issue. You want to try to get as many as possible, but never frame a story as if there is only a for and an against. Some people, like Rollin Richmond are sort of for and sort of against. Some aren't really against, but they see better options out there. Give your readers the opportunity to consider different possibilities and make up their own mind.
5. Don't repeat.
In the Campus Unites story you told readers about the statewide budget cut (implying that they should already know about it). Then in the second paragraph you tell them about the $386 million budget cut. Then in the third paragraph you tell them that Schwarzenegger proposed a $386 million budget cut.
6. Don't assume the reader knows ANYTHING
In the Campus Unites story, some of your readers don't know anything about any budget cut and to tell them about the cut without informing them that there will be a cut risks this response: What cut?
Then in the fourth paragraph you talk about the alliance without telling them about any alliance. So the natural response is: What alliance?
The problem with this story is that you failed to ask: What is this story about? Its not about the cuts, because you reported the cuts in previous stories. It is not about the rally, because readers don't care about a rally they already attended or can no longer attend. So what is it about?
- The banding together to fight back. So that needs to be in the lede.
- A bunch of people who, as Richmond said in paragraph No.10, who are all frightened.
- It is a story about the fighting back, so you need to tell your readers early on how to do that. You don't want to wait until paragraph No. 11 to tell them that they need to contact their state officials.
Nervous that the school will cut the class you need next year to graduate? Don't want to sit on the floor? Worried that the school will layoff your favorite professor? Angry that the fees you pay keep rising each year? Write your legislator. That's the message that a packed room of people took to heart on Monday at a rally about proposed cuts to the California State University budget.
7. Avoid all adverbs and any adjective that doesn't show.
- In a completely packed Kate Buchanan room...
- ...were a few questions this great thinker addresed...
- Whimsical artwork fills the walls...
- ...elegant and unique centerpieces...
- ...they completed the year with a solid 20-9 record...
- ...and gained valuable playoff experience for the younger players...
- ...but it is also a great bonding experience.
The story about online courses needed a student for whom the online course makes the difference between enrolling or not.
9. Don't forget important details.
The story about men's basketball ending in Alaska failed to tell me when the defeat occurred.
10. Zero in on conflict
The Easter story wasn't a story about "diverse" Arcatans, it was a story about Jesus versus the bunny and how people reconcile these two very different icons. So the lede is this:
For Eureka resident Adam Dick, Easter is a time to celebrate in church the day Jesus rise from the dead. For Blue Lake biologist Becky Dutra it's a potluck and beer hunt.But this issue looked nice. Besides the cover, the photo spread on the inside was terrific and nice jobs on the basketball layout on age 9 and the bunny layout on page 19. And finally Forum looks good!
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