Critique of the Feb. 27 Issue: Spay Day

Design

There was nice consistency of design throughout this issue. The cover looked good and you did a great job on the redesign of the Contents page: It is nice to see you taking the care and time for the pages that many people overlook. I liked that you tried to be creative with the graphics for the autism story, but a needle pointed at a brain made me think of a lobotomy. and I don't think that's what you aimed for. Nice use of color and layout of the sports spread. But pages 8 an 9 were too gray and the forum pages are still too gray.

I'd like to see you being even more creative with the layout of the text -- imagine the text of the Brook Adams story in the shape of a ukulele or against a ukulele backscreen. Also, when writing about music find the relevant Website for your readers so they can sample the music. You could have provided a number of ukulele related sites people could go to. A little research goes along way.

Just as a story about music needs to link to music, the story about a mural needed art of the mural. Don't wait till the last minute to contact your photo editor. If your story has a visual element to it, get a photo of it. The story about Brothers United also needed art.


Writing

Great story on the HSU Children's Center. While the headline was dull, it looked nice. Nice photo. Good information, nice organization, good sourcing.


But the story on Rollin Richmond took too long to get into and was convoluted.
It begins with this lede:

Last, week the ad hoc committee created a Bill of Particulars, a list of faculty grievances, from the October 18-22 Academic Senate Poll;...

But the reader doesn't know what the ad hoc committee is or what poll you refer to. Then in the fifth paragraph you say that a major concern is the president's treatment of David Wells and at the time Step was donating more than $7,000 to track and field. Again the reader doesn't know anything about David Wells or why Stepp was donating money or what the heck that has to do with the ad hoc committee or a Bill of Particulars or Rollin Richmond. In this sixth and seventh graphs you say that Stepp decided to go on record and was harassed. But you don't tell the reader how he went on record. Meanwhile, all of that doesn't seem in any way to connect to the Bill of Particulars.

Also convoluted was the story about John Waters and his autism. Was this a story about autism, about a man who overcame autism, or about a man who is trying to publish a book? The reader isn't sure. The problem was that you spent to much time on the details of his attempt to publish a book and that's something that the reader doesn't likely care about. You needed to focus on John Waters as a person and his battle with autism.

Clarity is as important as honesty and accuracy. Don't confuse the reader.
You need to:

1. Focus
2. Slow Down
3. Ground your reader

Ask yourself: What is this story about. Once you answer that stick to it. If you find tangents, put them in a sidebar or leave them for next week.

The Poynter Institute has a great tip sheet on checking for clarity in your second draft.

I think part of the problem with the story on Richmond was that you relied on people like Tom Jones and Dan Faulk who have their own strong agendas.

Don't let sources bully you with the force of their personality. Because what will happen is that your coverage will skew towards and in favor of the people who are loud and insistent and you will underrepresent those who are quiet. You don't want to give voice to those who already have a voice, you want to give voice to the voiceless.


There were some nice ledes:

There are games to look forward to and then there are games to look forward to.

People think that individuals with autism are insulated from the rest of the world; often that isn't so. This is not only what John Waters believes, this is what he knows.

Also the story on Option B had a great lede, which is too long to repeat here.

Careful with spelling

I caught two misspelled words in the intramural story. That was from the story on intramural sports which had at least two misspellings.


Careful with wording

You focus on, not focus from Intramural sports. Also, people don't really rejoice when they cut off their dogs balls. A rowing team is an it not a they.


Careful with sentence structure
The editorial continues to be awkward. Consider this sentence

History and different environments are what the city council feels make Arcata unique.

That's terrible! First of all, a city council doesn't feel. City councilmembers feel. Second you needed to flip this passive sentence. What's the noun and verb? Instead:

Members of the Arcata City Council believe that the town's history and different environments make it unique.

Fall in love with punctuation.

The colon can be a powerful ally but don't misuse it: You need to capitalize the independent clause that follows it. You made this mistake in the lede to the intramural story and in the editorial. Read Strunk & White's Elements of Style. Or read the online version for free.



Tighten your writing. Toss unnecessary words. The editorial is too long. Readers appreciate short. Think short. Next time you write an editorial kill 200 words without losing any substance.



Kill the widows and orphans

That's the term for any hanging word or words at the end of a paragraph. You want to cut enough words out of your paragraph so that the hanging line disappears. But you want to do that without changing the substance of the paragraph. After you do that to every paragraph, change your margins in Microsoft Word. That will give you more widows and you repeat the exercise. If you do that three times or more, you will find your writing is nice and tight.