Feb. 20 Issue

Critique of the Feb. 20 Issue


What a relief to pick up this issue: I expected to see the sex info conference as the cover story and I feared the graphic illustration that would highlight it.

Instead you hit me for the second time with a story important to a marginalized community yet compelling for the greater community as well. In putting the story about the annual Indian Island vigil on the cover you gave it the level of importance that I am sure the people who care about this event feel it deserves.

Story Selection
In the Theory of the Interlocking Public, readers come to a newspaper with different levels of expertise and interests on a variety of subjects. They don't expect that every story in the paper will interest them. But they do expect that a few stories will. That means that a newspaper editor must try to satisfy as many different types of interests as possible through a diversity of story topics.

This issue does a terrific job of reaching this interlocking public. Flipping through it a number of different people will find subjects that will interest them: Rainforests, impoverished children, Native Americans, Garrison Keiller (that little old lady from Fortuna appreciated that one!), dog lovers, S&M advocates, disgruntled HSU faculty, breast cancer fighters, pirate radio listeners, sports fans, clothes lovers, yoga practioners and pretty much most women and men who have a healthy appreciation for the human body.

Design
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• What: Fact boxes are great.
• Why: They summarize essential information for the reader.
• Problem: When you give readers a what and when on some stories but not others it frustrates readers of stories that lack the boxes.
  
• Where: The Wiyot vigil story in particular needed a fact box.
  

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Where you tried for creative design it worked beautifully as in the story on the clothes designer, the illustration for the sex conference and the use of photos in the sports section and the photo esssays. But other pages remained gray and dull and I'd like to see more creative consistency throughout the issue.

Write Tight
Part of the problem with the grayness is that many of the stories were too wordy for their content. On last draft you need to tighten and shorten. Simplify your sentences and search out redundancies and any phrases that can be said in one word rather than three. Many of you are not at the reporting level yet where you've got content that justifies 1000 words. So if you find yourself writing that long, see how you can cut 250 words out without losing any substance.

Another reason for the wordiness in many stories you failed to determine from the beginning what the story was about. Remember what I said two weeks ago: Be able to summarize the story in 30 words before writing a single word. In failing to do that, you ended up jumping from one point to another without a logical path. And when you do that you need transitions that you wouldn't had the story progressed in a more ordered way.

Stories in this issue that suffered from disorganization and lack of focus included the Indian Island story, the article about the Primate Club helping children and studying rainforests, and the vote of no confidence story

The story about the concert fundraiser for tuition was a great example of story confusion. Was this story about students who can't pay their tuition bills? Was it about what happens when you don't pay your bill? Was it about a student who for some reason can't give us his real name? Was it about a group of musicians who will raise money to help a friend? A great story would be one about hard-up students and what happens when you can't pay your bill. You could focus it around one student and as a sidebar do a feel-good piece about how friends will help raise money with a fundraising concert.


Using Anonymous Sources
The anonymity and fake name only compounded the confusion. Don't use anonymous sources unless you meet these criteria:

1. You adequately disclose to the reader why you need to withhold the name
2. There is a good reason for disclosing the name: The person would otherwise get fired or risk arrest or significant public humiliation
3. You know the person's full name and your editor knows the person's full name.
4. You and your editor either agree that you will go to jail to protect the source's identity should you be subpoenaed or you make sure your source understands the condition under which you would break your agreement to protect his/her identity.

For more tips on when and how to use anonymous sources, read this column published by the Poynter Institute.
You will avoid story confusion if you..

Outline your story
Imagine driving somewhere for the first time without a map or clear directions. That's what you do when you write without a focus and outline. You end up backtracking and going out of your way. Your reader is in the passenger seat and just wants to get to the end destination.

Don't bury your lede!
When you backtrack and wander you also end up burying your lede. This issue was filled with great ledes, but I rarely found them at the beginning of stories.

• The Indian Island story had two potential ledes: Appalled 17 years ago to learn that a replica of Columbus' ship would come to Humboldt, Cheryl Seidner started a candlelight vigil in response; and that the massacre at Indian Island occurred even as tribal members were holding a ceremony to heal the world of its ills.
• The lede on the Pirate radio story was that while the station shut itself down to evade the FCC, it will be back on the air come Valentine's day.
  
• I found the lede for the Lady Jacks story on the jump: The last time we played Chico they beat us by 22 points. When we face them again they will be tied for first place in the division.
  
• The lede for the Sex & Education story was that Living Group Adivsor Dottie Guido is proud to be a member of the S&M crowd.
• I found two potential ledes for the yoga story: Seven years ago 30 students took yoga. Now they number 300. And Kristen Ince believes that contorting your body can help you academically.
  

When I advised you to cut out hyperbole what part of that expression did you not understand?

Exaggeration is the WORST THING EVER!!!!

This issue was FILLED!!! with it.

• 138 years is not almost 150 years, it is almost 140 years.
• Not everyone might agree that the Insectia is a fantastic look into the life of bugs. (Story on thejackonline.org)
  
• What's so extraordinary about three yoga teachers?

The problem here is that you are telling the reader not showing the reader. Instead you have to:

Show, don't tell.
You want to describe something in such a way that the reader says, "Fantastic!" or "Extraordinary!" or "Wow, it's been almost 150 years!"

Don't forget that readers have five senses: Sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste. Use as many senses as you can when you gather information, and then include those sensory reactions in your writing. In the dress maker story I wanted to see
the dresses and feel the fabric. In the yoga piece I wanted to see 160 lumberjacks contorting their limbs in painful ways. In the music previews and reviews I want to hear the music.

With showing don't telling and killing all that hyperbole, be very frugal with that exclamation point. You don't want to cry wolf. If you use an exclamation point now, what will you use when something even more Wow! occurs?

Finally, be careful with grammar. There were grammatical errors in the editorial. There, too, the errors stemmed from the wordiness of the piece.


Use Active Verbs!
You will eliminate grammatical mistakes if you stick to active phrasing: I came, not I had come. I saw, not I was seeing. I conquered, not I had been conquering.

Here are some examples of passive phrasing in this issue:

• The senior-year dreams are filled with ways to raise his lost tuition.
• Over 160 Lumberjacks a day are stretching their limbs
• Her insight is appreciated amongst her students

If you shorten, tighten and simplify you will find you can turn in error-free copy. And that would be...

REALLY, REALLY GREAT!!!!!